“Are you sure you’re going to be okay, mom?” Rodion asked.
His mother nodded and smiled encouragingly without additional comment.
It seemed to him that with every year she got a little smaller, a little quieter. A wizened old woman, Vera Yurievna Safronov had been through much in her years. Emigration, losing her husband and their father while putting two kids through school alone while also learning a whole new language and culture; her years had been eventful, to say the least. And now, here she was, seeing her youngest son off to his first year of university, far away from home and Rodion just knew the empty silent house in that empty silent neighborhood would kill her.
But she would never say a thing. She would only sit at their rickety kitchen table, a cup of ice-cold tea left abandoned, and sigh, wistfully, whisper a prayer in the old language and stare out the window that overlooked the path to the front door.
Rodion had seen how his mother had waited anxiously, watching the door for Georgi to come home after his first day at university. How she knew it would be impossible, and yet, she waited. How she’d both craved and feared that day. Craved the return of her eldest, and most beloved son, and feared what return might mean for him. Education came first, she always said, but Rodion knew she didn’t believe it. No, not as much as she believed that family came before everything.
But today, as sad as she might feel about her last son headed off to university, she would play the proud mother: being impressed at the size of the campus, pointing out all the things they have here that they didn’t Back Home. Back Home never meant Oklahoma, the state she’d moved to when Chicago proved too expensive for a single mom of two’s income. Back Home always meant the old country.
Today, they walked arm in arm, across the university grounds, Rodion pointing out the building he’d have class in. He’d shown her the cramped dorm room they assigned him and she’d helped him sort his books. He’d brought too many for the tiny dormitory’s built-in shelves, and he could tell his choice to send back the ones that weren’t in English had saddened her a little, so he chose instead to talk animatedly about the foreign language requirements the School of Engineering had and how it meant he could continue to use the old language at school.
“See, mom, the professor is like us”, he said, showing her the professor’s page on the Foreign Language and Literature’s department site.
Vera only shook her head, “She may have come from Back Home, but she is not like us. How could she be? People like us don’t teach at universities like this.”
Rodion shrugged, “Maybe I’ll be the first one, mom, you never know.”
“You? A teacher? No. Engineers make more money. They have more jobs. There’s no money in teaching. They don’t respect teachers in this country anyway. No. Better to be an engineer. They respect engineers everywhere.”
“I know, mom”, Rodion said and sighed, “I wasn’t saying I wasn’t going to be an engineer, I just wanted to lighten the mood. I’m sure there are great and successful teachers out there.”
“Well, not everyone can be one, Rodya, I say this because I love you”, her tone had become serious, “I worked hard to make sure you and Georgi could be successful here. I just want what’s best and the idea of you throwing that away terrifies me.”
“Don’t worry, mom, I won’t,” Rodion promised, “You don’t have to worry so much about me. Really. I’ll visit every holiday and you’ll see that everything’s alright. We can call every weekend if it makes you feel better.”
“I would like to hear from you. Every now and then. It doesn’t have to be every weekend, I know you’ll have to study hard, but yes, it would be nice to hear your voice.”
“I’ll call. I promise.”
The next morning, Rodion stood in front of his mother’s old sedan. An ancient Honda Accord, older than he was. He remembered they’d driven it all the way down from Chicago to OKC and it had felt old then. He’d been 6 then. Here, on the university parking lot surrounded by so many newer cars, it looked like a relic. Next to it, his mother stood, an odd expression on her face. Sadness, pride? Perhaps, and something else.
“So. This is it. I have to go home, you know the job can’t run without me forever. You get to be on your own now,” her voice trembled, “I can’t believe it. I simply can’t believe it. I look at you now and I remember when you were-”, her voice caught and in the morning sunlight, Rodion could see her eyes were filling with tears. She wiped them absentmindedly, “Oh you know how it goes. It’s just, it all happens so fast. First Georgi, then you-”
Rodion stepped in and wrapped the old woman in a hug. She leaned into his shoulder, “Ach, look at me. Crying. I’d told myself not to and here I am. If only your father was here to see this, he’d call me an old worrywart. But he’d be so proud. So proud.”
“I know, mom.” Rodion said, feeling the sting of tears in his own eyes.
She wiped her tears and stepped back, “I shouldn’t linger too long, I know, I just… I want you to know I’m proud of you. You and Georgi are the only things I have in this life and I know I wasn’t perfect, but you have so much in front of you now. Make the right choices, study hard, call, when you can, and most importantly, don’t forget, we’re proud of you. Я тебя люблю.”
“I love you too, mom, drive safe.”
Rodion watched her get into the car, wave, then turn out of his dorm’s parking lot. Soon, the old sedan vanished around a corner, OKC bound and a part of him went with it. He stood there, on the sidewalk, feeling a growing emptiness mingle with the excitement of finally being free. It was like, despite the limitless possibilities, the part of him that had felt confident and assured had left in the old sedan leaving only the paralyzing weight of infinite choice. For the first time in a long while, he felt rudderless. And so he stood there.
What now?
“Alright everyone! Get in line and be sure to let the people at the table what your discipline is so we can break you up into small groups! Don’t forget to swipe your ID so we can get you that sweet, sweet extra credit!”
A lanky young man in a bright colored polo had lept onto the folding table and shouted over the crowd of first-year engineering students. The School of Engineering had put together a meet-and-greet a few days before the classes started and had sweetened the deal with the promise of a small point boost in (participating) classes and doubly so with the promise of free food and drinks.
Rodion gave his newly printed student ID to the girl at the desk, who swiped it and returned it with a few tickets and a bag full of pamphlets and small knickknacks.
“Computer Engineering?” She asked rifling through a set of multicolored wristbands.
“Yeah, Computer Engineering.”
“Mkay, here you go,” she said handing him a green wristband, “Find other students with the same color and make a group of 5. That’ll be your team for the get-to-know you activities. There’s gonna be a prize for the team that wins, so good luck! Go Naders!”
“Go Naders?” Rodion asked, eyebrow raised in confusion.
“You haven’t seen all the cheer cards all over campus?”
“I guess I haven’t looked at them too closely, no.”
“Go Naders. It’s the school cheer. Cuz we’re the Tornaders. It’s ‘tornado’ but with a Texas accent.”
“Oh. Huh. Weird”, Rodion said.
“Yeah, we got a lot of weird things here, but we take em as a point of pride. Let me guess, you’re from out of state, aren’t ya?”
“What gave it away?”
“You just look a little extra clueless. Out-of-stater’s tend to take some extra time to adjust. Take my advice, just take it in stride and you’ll be fine. We’re weird but fun. Anyways, you’re holding up the line, have fun at the orientation!”
Rodion nodded in thanks and headed into the event room where he found himself weaving through a crowd of other first years, desperately searching for other students with green armbands. It was as if every time he thought he found one, they’d turn out to be in a group of their own. He considered finding a spot by the walls to hang out and watch how it all went down before going home when his foot caught on something and he fell, grabbing for the nearest support, which was the wrist of a pale blonde girl who went down with him.
“and-FUCK! What the fuck?! My coffee!” He heard her yell as they went down.
“Oh, shit! Sorry!” Rodion apologized, scrambling to get up. He offered her a hand, but she ignored it, staring at a growing puddle of coffee that had spilled out from a paper cup and was slowly soaking into the event room’s rug.
“Watch where you’re fucking going next time!” She hissed at him, “Fucking waste of coffee!”
“Alright students!” the upperclassman in the polo announced, “Time to start the team-building activities, finalize your groups now!”
“Hey, you two! We’re a group now”, another student with an orange wristband declared.
“But they said find matching wristbands…” Rodion said, not keen on being around the blonde much longer than he had to. She seemed pretty pissed about losing her coffee, more so than being knocked over.
“Yeah, I’m not even engineering, just here for the free food,” the blonde said. Now no longer immediately angry, it seemed like her face was just naturally very stern and the pale grey eyes did nothing to soften it.
“Does it really matter?” The orange wrist banded student asked, “I want a shot at some free shit, and you guys are the only ones who haven’t been taken by a group yet.”
“Make it worth my while and I’ll consider it,” the blonde challenged.
“I still got my dining card from orientation, 10 dollars, haven’t spent a penny. It’s yours if you help.”
“Payment upfront or nothing,” She said with a smirk.
“Fine,” he dug through his pockets to find a university branded card and handed it to the blonde, who pocketed it quickly. He turned to Rodion, “Ah, sorry pal, I won’t be able to pay you to help.”
“Wasn’t gonna ask. What’s orange for, anyways?” He pointed at the wristband.
“Chemical Engineering, name’s Matt by the way and y’all are?” He addressed both of them.
“I’m Rodion, Computer Engineering”. They turned to the blonde who sighed.
“Fine. Call me Killian. I’m PoliSci. Actually a second-year, but they don’t check everyone’s IDs. Here for the free food, was going to bail before the thing started but then this idiot,” she gestured at Rodion, “practically ran me over, destroyed my drink, and now I’m stuck here. Thanks.”
“Look, I’m sorry, I tripped!”
“If you’re really sorry, you’ll show up to the Library at 10am tomorrow.”
“What? Why?”
“To replace my coffee. Do you really think I’m going to just let that go. Do you know how much they charge for one of those?”
Rodion felt his face grow hot, “Uh, no?”
“That’s goddamned right. If you knew, you wouldn’t have knocked it out my hand like that. So tomorrow. Library. 10 AM. Be there.”
For most students, the day before classes was one of either frenetic preparation, creating schedules, and buying last-minute supplies or one of complete and utter languidness, the last day of leisure and long sleep before classes, work, and extracurriculars took it all away. For Rodion, he considered himself to be among the latter group, yet, rather than sleeping in, he had set an alarm for 9AM and was now standing in front of the campus library a mere half hour later. He’d overestimated the length of the walk from the dorm to the library, it had ended up being 15 minutes shorter than he thought, so now he was just standing, alone, out there in the August morning while pigeons strutted about the main thoroughfare and the occasional bicyclist sped through.
Perhaps Killian wouldn’t show, he thought, perhaps he could wait until the determined meeting time, then leave, his conscience clean if she’d determined not show. Why had he even agreed to meet her? He barely knew, he felt bad about spilling her drink but he barely knew her and he owed her nothing. And yet, he was here.
He checked his watch after a long stretch of watching the pigeons pick at the cobblestones for any crumb of sustenance, two minutes until 10. Killian would be here soon.
“There you are!” Killian called. She wore the training uniform of the university’s Army ROTC, the long blonde hair he’d noticed the other day tied back into a neat and accurate bun. She must have just come from morning meetings, Rodion knew only a little about the program, but he knew they had early mornings.
“I’m here,” Rodion said not sure if he wanted to match her energy or not. He was not a morning person.
Inside the library, on the first floor, there had been space set aside for a coffee shop. It was nothing special, just your standard fare of over-engineered, overpriced coffee drinks served alongside plastic-wrapped pastries that always looked better on the menu than on the plate. The whole atrium was set up with booths and a variety of seating arrangements to accommodate the whims of the library-going student. The vibe was both a mix of practicality and coziness.
They got into line and Rodion checked that he’d brought his wallet. He had only $10 to use for the whole day, and as he scanned the drink menu, it wouldn’t make it to lunch.
“What’s wrong? You look worried.” Killian commented.
“Oh?” Rodion smiled nervously, “It’s nothing, just thinking of things.”
“Thinking of things? At this time of day?” She said with mock surprise.
“I know, I’ll try not to wear myself out before noon,” Rodion hazarded a joke.
Killian smiled, the first time he’d ever seen a genuine amusement on her face. The effect it had on her, he almost liked her. She had no less stern a face, but the effect of the slight smile and the crinkle of her eyes…
“Are you alright there?”
Rodion looked down quickly, not realizing he had stared at her intently for way too long.
“Sorry! Zoned out,” he excused as heat blossomed across his face.
“Well zone back in, it’s coffee time,” Killian said as the barista motioned for them to approach, “I’m on this guy’s bill, so I’ll have…” she turned back to Rodion with a mischievous twinkle in her eye, “I’ll have one small, black coffee.”
A wave of relief washed over him, she’d picked the cheapest drink on the menu. With the relief came guilt, he’d misread her. He’d assumed she would go for something expensive. He’d thought the worst of her.
“One small, black coffee, got it. And you, sir?” The barista asked.
“Huh, what?” Rodion said before registering their words, “Oh, I’ll have some hot tea, black tea if you have it.”
“Sweet or unsweet?”
“Unsweet, just a splash of milk if it’s no trouble.”
“No problem at all, one small hot black tea, unsweet, splash of milk. That, plus the coffee is gonna be 3 dollars.”
Rodion paid and within minutes, they both had their drinks.
“Well, I guess that’s us even, then?” He asked.
Killian nodded, “Surprised you showed up, I’ll be honest.”
“Have you done this often?”
“Done what, get coffee?”
“No, you know what I mean.”
“Ohh. Yeah, no, this is the first time I’ve met anyone here.”
“Can I ask why?” Rodion asked, “Why did you ask to meet me here when you couldn’ve asked for money or told me to fuck off?”
It was Killian’s turn for her eyes to flash downwards, a subtle tint of red coming to her cheeks.
“It’s cos you might be a clumsy idiot, but you do look kinda cute when flustered,” she said.
“Oh.” Rodion said, the tea feeling uncomfortably hot and heavy in his hands, he felt his face flush again, “Um, thanks, I guess.” He wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, was he holding the tea like a normal person?
“I, uh, I gotta go.” Killian said slowly, “But, perhaps I might catch you around here every now and then.”
“Perhaps…” Rodion said, not sure if he should ask for her number or tell her he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but wait, what if she didn’t mean it like that? What if she just wanted to keep things friendly? Dammit Rodion, there you go thinking too deeply about things.
“I’ll see you later, then”, Killian said after it became clear he wasn’t going to say anything further.
“Later”, Rodion said, kicking himself that he wasn’t going to ask for her number but simultaneously too afraid to seem too forward. She’d seemed disappointed too, at least, but not enough to offer her number. And now she was gone, and would he ever see her again?
He’d really gone and fucked that one up, hadn’t he?